Why I was crying in my Mum's kitchen...
4 years into motherhood, I was unraveling in the melting pot of motherhood; holding a lot of tension and resentment, blaming myself...
- Blaming myself for not loving every moment.
- Blaming myself for not feeling like 'I was good at' being Mum.
- Blaming myself that motherhood didn't always seem to come naturally to me.
- Blaming myself that I craved a career and aspired to do more with my days.
I felt I had lost parts of me and was somewhat grieving how I used to feel inside.
Thoughts like this had been whirring in me for a good few years, but I'd been pushing them down- unable to articulate how I was feeling.
Unable to articulate why I was feeling so pent up, unable to hide my anxieties and overwhelm anymore.
So, what led me to be crying in my Mum's kitchen??
I actually wasn't supposed to be in her kitchen at all... I had gone out on a run (or so I thought).
Having recently agreed with my husband, Lee, that I needed to start carving time out for myself... I decided to (re)take up running - clear my head, get out and about and energise myself (with the added benefit of maybe losing a lbs or 2!)
This was the plan anyway... Lee and I agreed it was something I needed to do... something just for me. Exercise has been something (even pre-kids) that I've always loved.
So off I went at a snails pace with headphone in 🐌
Listening to something... anything (anything that is, other than 'mummmeeeeeeeee' or the frozen soundtrack!)
Whilst 'running', I remembered a podcast that a friend had encouraged me to listen to yonks ago... yonks ago, but indeed I'd never found time to listen- even though I was quite sure I'd enjoy it. Little did I know back then, (thank goodness I made time) this podcast would quite literally change my perspective on motherhood forever.
It was a podcast with Amy Taylor-Kabbaz; a name completely unknown to me at the time, but wow, how grateful I am to be aware of her work now.
In it, Amy discussed Matrescence... the experience of becoming a mother and the radical identity shift that goes along with it.
In learning about matrescence it also led me to the 'inner split of motherhood' ...the way we are split in two - the person we used to be and the mother we are becoming.
Amy teaches that unless we honour the shift we experience, we can get lost in the process of trying to figure out exactly who we are now.
This was it!!! This is what I had been feeling!
In an instance, tears started streaming down my face. I was quite literally nodding along... probably screaming out loud... cars must've been double-taking, wondering if I was ok!
For the first time in 4 years, I heard someone talking about exactly how I had been feeling.
Amy went on to reference another quote by her teacher Dr Aurelie Athan, who said:
"Words create Worlds, when we have a lack of language and don't know how to articulate our experience and put into words what we are feeling, it makes the process incredibly difficult. We need words to heal."
Again, "THIS IS IT! THIS IS WHY I AM FEELING THE WAY I DO!"
Discovering matrescence, 'this one little word' changed everything.
Before I knew it, I wasn't running anymore... I had run all the way back to my home town, back to my parent's kitchen. Screaming (probably sounding like something terrible had happened)... "MUM!"
(you can imagine her response)... "Jezzz Gemma calm down, whats happened!"
I know this sounds dramatic, but it was like a light-bulb had gone off in my head.
Finally, I understood why I had been feeling the frustration and split I had been feeling inside.
It was quite literally like a light-bulb moment. I had to find Amy, and swallow up everything she knew about matrescence! So many women must be feeling this way... why don't we all know about it!?
From that moment, I had found my purpose.
I had to provide women a way of processing these feelings. To help them understand the transition they are facing, help them reunite with themselves and work out who they are and what they need now.
I had to make it my mission to share.
I'm very proud to say, nearly 2 years on... I am now an accredited facilitator of incredible Amy's work. I am able to work with you 1 on 1 or in my group programmes to help you process your inner-split and get back in the 'driving seat' of your life, now you're also a mum.
Thank you for reading, please do share this with any mum friends you think might benefit.
& if it resonates do drop me a comment, I'd love to hear from you
Gemma Mercer - Mama Rising™ Accredited Facilitator Mummy Me Time